I sat along the springtime banks of the pond, listening as the wild redwings sang sanguine songs of Sacagawea and contemplated the meaning of life. I pondered, ‘just what is my purpose in this swirling cosmic mass of lactating, celestial orbs?’ I left the pond, unsatisfied and perplexed, and went into the house to watch TV. Finally it occurred to me while watching a re-run of that old nineties-era TV program “Renegade.” As you may recall it was a poorly written, entirely forgettable drama starring Lorenzo Lamas, as an unjustly accused cop who traveled around incognito on a very gay Heritage Softail, saving attractive babes from evil and eventually bangin’ them.
This was just the epiphany I needed, and all of life’s purpose came suddenly into perfect focus! I’ll lengthen the sissy bar on the rigid project, sell all my worldly possessions, change my identity, and ride it across Amërïkä, living on processed lunch meat and Little Debbie snack cakes. I will search and find all unrighteousness, seeking injustice in all its aspects, righting wrongs and promoting truth, justice and the Amërïkän way. I will concentrate, primarily on hott damsels in distress who’ve run into trouble with evil organized crime figures.
I'll become a modern-day Reno Raines. A little more body fat, much less hair, and far fewer sexual encounters with distressed single women, who despite looking like supermodels, are living in poverty and in dire need of heroic salvation.