Monday, December 9, 2013

Don't Try This at Home

A brief treatise on this wild roller coaster ride we call life. (And why is there a Pringles can mounted on his handlebars?)

The intrepid rider is sized up and strapped in for the long pull upward through the dark tunnel. Nine cogs on each gear click loudly and echo off the blood-moistened walls ‘til he breaks through into the light and is sent plummeting between electrically charged steel rails on decomposing cross ties of dubious character. Time and space collide into a singular, spinning cyclone of swirling colors, like a box of Fruit Loops in a cosmic food processor.

As he nears the bottom, time slows and the cross ties become soggy with moss and wood rot. Needles pierce his liver and spleen and rust creeps into his joints. The steel rail serpents rise up and spray their electric venom, laced with toxic reproof and barbiturates, causing stomach-cramps and blindness. He slumps over the tank and topples to the ground, coming to rest on the dirty carnival floor amongst discarded cotton candy and empty boxes of circus peanuts.

Uniformed officers and stretcher bearers arrive, their skin scraped pink with the jagged lids of pickle jars, to haul him away on a flat bed ambulance. He’s cited for improper eye protection, loud pipes and failure to use turn signals. After a summary trial, he’s sent to the State Mental Hospital where he spends sixty days in a windowless room, lying on a piss-drenched mattress, staring at the claw marks etched into the plaster walls. Wondering where it all went wrong.


  1. Sounds like just anothe rday in the Hood! Life is what YOU make it... Roller Coaster or Hell Bound Train (Savoy Brown?) WTFE. It's all good.

  2. If that is indeed a Pringles can, I think we have another case of time travel on our hands here...( a time traveling badass )

  3. The 'can' is actually an early pre-production mobile phone, you can see the string if you look closely, unfortunately reception was poor so he never received the call saying that just over the next crest lay only perdition.

  4. Life does have its ups and downs Paul.
    Pringles date back to 1893 Larry, the original version was banned in 1903 'cause they had 40 cc of valium in each chip.
    GPS was still in its infancy back then Whitey.

  5. been spiking the tea kettle with Nyquil again? Now, there is a town known as Pringle in South Dokota...and a town in Buenos Aires called Pringles founded in the 1880's...according to legends I've heard tell...Pringle chips were first marketed during the 'Summer of Love'...1967, and were enjoyed by hippies, beatniks, and the occasional wandering biker...who wondered and marveled at the perfect hyperbolic paraboloid shape of each individual chip. Of course I was pretty wasted when a passing gypsy related this tale to me, as she read my fortune in a laundramat...

    1. Got me again Larry. I love Pringles, I eat 'em by the tube.