Nigerian Princess

Sometimes I fancy myself a Nigerian Princess sitting upon a throne of jackal skeletons and wearing a flowing robe of stone-washed Cape buffalo hides. There'd be be eleven pigmy house servants hand-feeding me seedless grapes and a pair of matched hyenas tethered to my bedpost. Balanced upon my regal head would be a five-gallon bucket of latex house paint and a pasta strainer, because my posture would be impeccable and my nipples in a constant state of stimulated readiness.
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Sometimes, on the other hand, I just sit alone in the dark, drinking warm beer, and wondering if I left my phone in the truck.

Digestive Problems and Young Love in Small Town Amërïkä

I often have a difficult time evacuating my bowels in mid-January. I say this not in an effort to gain sympathy, but as a matter of stark, digestive reality. I don’t attribute this condition to a lack of dietary fiber. I suspect it is due, in part, to my lifelong affinity for contemporary Latvian Folk Music and government cheese.

Some years back I was involved in a brief, consensual, relationship with an orphaned Holstein calf who we shall call, in the interest of discretion, Rene. Sometimes, even now, my thoughts return to those romantic, Summer nights Rene and I spent together, both of us very young, and very much in love. Drinking fortified wine under the light of a Harvest Moon, the sound of country music carried across the fields from a distant farmhouse radio, and the odor of moist, fermented oats as the contents of her bowels tumbled to the Barn floor with a satisfying thump.

I am down to two beers, so I won’t bore you with further details, but I will render this one small piece of advice:
If you find true love, seize it, without fear, and never let it go.

Alarm Cocks

Wake the hell up!

Many don't realize that beside being a wealthy venture capitalist, an amateur paleontologist and a two-time champion Ballroom Dancer I am a breeder of some of the finest Blue-leg Jungle Fowl in Jerkwater County. These birds date back to pre-history. In fact, all domestic poultry that ends up betwixt a piece of Styrofoam and plastic at the local Piggly Wiggly can trace their lineage back to the steamy, tropical jungles of Indonesia and Southeast Asia. You can thank the descendants of these birds the next time you dig into a greasy bucket of Colonel Sander's best. Some fascinating food for thought.
(Like my other enthralling YouTube videos, this will go absolute viral and become an instant internet sensation.)

For Sale

For Sale

1971 VW Beetle. “Hatch” back, "Coop." Must sell due to illness,(chicken pox.) This car is grade “A.”
Only down once but was over-easy. Now sunny side up. Real chick magnet.

Engine: egg-cellent
Transmission: scrambled
Body: fair
Interior: fowl

No reasonable offer refused.

Call: BR-549




Sorry

Armed and Exhausted

Despite being well-armed, this guy looks like he needs a double-shot of NyQuil® and a good nights sleep.

Computer's broken so I'm reduced to thumbing out posts with the smartphone. Should have it all figured out by midsummer.